Coaching - Understanding My "Selfs"

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The vast majority of potential coaching clients are committed to personal improvement and achievement. Many have tried to get organized and focus their life to obtain a better result. But like most people, they find that traditional resolutions are often difficult to keep. The best of intentions quickly evaporate due to everyday life pressures, issues and concerns. Self-improvement ends up being a merry-go-round experience, round and round you go, never getting anywhere. You would like to change, but you do not know how.


There is an answer to this predicament and it is within your resources to free yourself from the inhibitions and constraints that limit your personal and professional growth. Self-awareness is the foundation to growth. You must know who you are, your desires, values, strengths and weaknesses before you can move forward. Socrates said it best “Know thyself.”

In reality, you are more than one self. You are a composite of several different “selfs” that surface and recede according to the circumstances. In some circumstances you are logical, and in others you are more emotional. In certain situations you might lead, and in others you are content to follow. In some settings you are active, and in others you are passive. When you take the time to better understand yourself, you will better understand your behaviors and the behaviors of others. What makes you and others behave the way we do? Understanding your three "selfs" provide a good deal of insight to this question.

Self #1 Parental: Your “taught” concept of life – this self embodies all the rules, values, and social norms that you were taught or conditioned to use during your early formative years. This self keeps you within the socially acceptable norms of behavior. This self can be nurturing and protective as well as judgmental and critical. The vocabulary of this self utilizes restrictive words like never, don’t and mustn’t. It also has positive words such as be careful, look before you leap and value language such as “honesty is the best policy.”

When this self gives you advice that is no longer appropriate for your current age and circumstances, it can adversely restrict your creativity, imagination and development. A great example would be “Do not talk to strangers.” This is a common phrase many parents instruct small children with for the legitimate reason of keeping them safe. This phrase would clearly be a hindrance to a person in sales or in the  public speaker field.

Self #2 Adult: Your “thought” concept of life – this self is rational and objective. This self deals with facts and makes decisions; it enhances your ability to ask questions, to reason, and to accurately assess situations. Self #2 logically calculates information and makes decisions. Its vocabulary includes the fact finding questions of who, what, when, where and why.

Self #3 Child: Your ‘felt” concept of life – this self is composed of your feelings and emotions. It embodies natural feelings such as joy, sadness, anger and love. It also encompasses adapted feelings such as inadequacy, shyness, fear of rejection and desire to please others.


Self #3 may come to the surface in a pressured situation in the form of being selfish, demanding, angry or mean. In more pleasant circumstances Self #3 may come to the surface and cause you to laugh, cry, love and enjoy. The vocabulary with this self is often in the form of “I want, Why not, It’s not my fault, and Did I do ok?”

All three “selfs” play an important role in your development as a total person. Although you are likely not totally aware of their influence, their voices affect your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Sometimes your different “selfs” compete with each other for your attention. You may think you want to do one thing (child-self), while your voice is telling you that you should do (parental self) another. Internal conflict is in reality a conflict between your different “selfs”. Developing a greater awareness of the dynamic interaction among your “selfs” can help minimize their conflicting messages and result in better decisions and choices being made.

My coaching process is designed to allow the client to truly understand and affirm who they are and what gives their life value. Understanding the “selfs” is a vital part of this process. Please feel free to contact me for more information.